Wednesday, November 21, 2012

What's on my mind Wednesday

So, I currently have three incomplete posts in my archive. I start one, with every intention of posting it shortly thereafter, and then I stop. What stops me? Insecurity. You may not know this about me, but I'm a very self-conscious person. It's hard for me to really be myself. To let all my thoughts and opinions flow freely as so many people can. I think about every sentence before I say it. I contemplate scenarios before they happen so that I can be prepared and hopefully not look like an idiot. And meeting new people? Oh my god kill me.

You know those people who will give their opinion without even being asked? Well, while they are annoying, I envy them. Often, I find it hard to give my true opinion when asked, let alone when I'm not.

I've always known this about myself, and I've always been this way. In fact, I was sort of raised to be this way. With a parent who has opinions about everything, how could I possibly have formulated or expressed my own? I never really saw it as a problem until I became a mother. I, as a parent of a girl, am responsible for teaching her, and it's no secret that children learn from what you do, not what you say. Teaching her kindness? Piece of cake. Politeness? Way too easy. To give back? Totally. But to be a strong, independent woman? That's trickier for me. I don't ever want her to feel like she's being walked all over, like I have felt in the past. I never want her to feel meek or helpless-it's gotten me into some really sticky situations throughout life. And I'm taking baby steps in my own life. To become stronger and more confident in myself so that when she's older, she can learn from my example.

I fought a lot of opposition-even from my husband, at the beginning-about having a home birth. Almost everyone close to me thought it was a bad idea. Too risky, irresponsible, crazy, they'd say. But I knew that it was the best decision for me and for my baby. I looked at it as the first good decision I could make for my daughter, so I fought for it, and I hope that can be a lesson for Emmy someday.

Anyway, with this blog, I have ran into a lot of anxiety-what is so-and-so going to think of this post? These unprofessional photos? My thoughts?-and it's hindering me. I've considered walking away from blogging a lot lately, but I'm giving it one last-ditch effort. Hence, What's on my mind Wednesday.

I'm going to allow myself one day a week where I sit down and write about whatever is currently on my mind. It's sort of an excuse to be me, without feeling obligated to write about something relevant or witty or emotionally gripping. And I won't apologize for it, nor second guess myself. I won't spend all day thinking about what I wrote and who I might have offended by writing it. And maybe it'll be good for me, not just on my little corner of the internet, but in life in general.

Thanks for hanging with me, you few patrons. I do love you all. Here's to more freedom of self-expression. After all, isn't that what blogs are for?

Thursday, November 1, 2012


Our neighborhood goes a little crazy for Halloween every year. In fact, many people drive from all over town to Trick or Treat here. Cars full of little ghosts and ghouls line the streets, tiny mummies and witches carry their buckets full of candy in one hand and tiny flashlights in the other, eagerly stopping every few steps at someone's door, proudly holding their bucket or bag out as far as their little arms can reach and exclaiming "trick or treeeat!" 

I had a few sentimental moments last night when I thought about last Halloween. We took our nephew to this neighborhood-the place where my husband grew up, the place where his parents and grandmother still live-and I dreamed of owning a home here someday. I had accepted the fact that it would take a long, long time as houses around here don't open up too frequently, but I knew it's what I wanted. To be so close to family and the elementary where a tiny version of my husband walked to school every day. And then this year, as I stood and watched that now four-year-old nephew of mine walk door to door, I looked down at my newborn, sleeping in her stroller and then over at my husband, with his hands in his pockets and a smile on his face, and I felt so grateful to know that my dream had been realized. We live here. With our baby girl. Forever. 

Happy Halloween, eat lots of candy.